FEATURE STORY
Are There Limits To Church Inclusion?
by Christopher S. Johnson
WEBSTER GROVES, Mo. – Jeff Mason, 40, the wealthy owner of a wildly successful online business(www.just-herring.com) based in suburban St. Louis, had never had a serious relationship with anyone in his life. “And it wasn’t for lack of trying,” said Mason.
“I’d cruise bars, gay and straight. I’d hang out in bookstores and coffee places. I even joined the Episcopal Church. Nothing worked.”
Mason said that he’d had a few flings here and there with both men and women but nothing ever got close to long-term.
“I kept telling myself I‘m rich, I‘m good-looking, I work out. Why am I so awkward around everyone? What‘s wrong with me?” he wondered.
The answer came from a totally unexpected source. New underwear
“As I was getting dressed, I put on a pair of underwear I had just purchased and happened to get a look at myself in the mirror. Immediately I thought ‘Man, that is one hot ass.’
“I was shocked by the intensity of that reaction. I couldn‘t get that thought out my head all day. But that’s how it starts with everybody, isn’t it? You notice the physical stuff first and everything else comes after.
“Because that’s when it hit me hard. I got to thinking that I like the same movies that I do, I read the same books that I do, I enjoy the same sports as I do.
“I’m a great conversationalist and a great listener and vice versa. For the first time in my life, my life made perfect sense.”
That weekend, Jeff Mason came out to his family.
As an autosexual.
Mason said that initially, his parents struggled with the news “My dad was like, what the hell, I’m going to be dead soon anyway.
“My mom asked me if I was sure I wasn’t gay because she’d be fine with that. Gays are cool. But they came around and I know I have their love and full support.”
Church, however, was a different story. Mason, who regularly attends St. Martin Luther King Episcopal Church in Webster Groves, approached temporary rector Gladstone “Skip” Adams and asked to have his relationship blessed.
“Needless to say, I was floored,” said Adams, the recently-retired Bishop of Central New York, whose three siblings are also Episcopal ministers. “I had never heard of autosexuality before.
“Oh, I’ve heard of strumming the banjo, if you know what I mean. Who hasn’t? But I’ve never had someone walk into my office and tell me that he was an autosexual so I told Jeff I‘d have to think about it.”
Experts are divided as to whether autosexuality is really a sexual orientation at all. “Some guy can’t get laid so he decides that skeet shooting, if you know what I mean, is a sexual orientation?” asked a Harvard professor who asked that his name not be used. “That’s ridiculous. Not to mention sick.”
Norris Winklemeyer, founder, director and sole member of the Center for Neo-Sexuality, which has studied the question for some time, sharply disagrees. “This isn’t a case of painting the Sistine Chapel once in a while, if you know what I mean,” said Winklemeyer.
“Some people are sexually oriented toward people of the opposite sex. Some people are sexually oriented toward people of the same sex. Autosexuals are sexually oriented toward themselves. The science is settled.”
So Adams’ confusion was understandable and his conversations with his siblings initially didn’t help much. One of his brothers, the Rev. Disraeli “Buzz” Adams, was dead-set against the idea while another, the Rev. Pitt the Younger “Dink” Adams, was unsure.
Adams’ sister, the Rev. Marquess of Salisbury “Trixie” Adams, made up his mind for him. “She just asked me if the baptismal covenant meant what it said or not. That night, I told Mason I’d take it to Bishop Smith immediately.”
Initially, Missouri Episcopal Bishop George Wayne Smith was as unsure as Adams initially had been but the baptismal covenant argument swayed him and permission was granted. “Jeff was thrilled when I told him,” said Adams.
Two weeks later, Mason’s relationship was blessed in a ceremony at St. Martin Luther King in front of family and friends, Adams presiding. “I’ve never seen my son happier,” Mason’s mother told the St. Louis Post Dispatch. “Or my son, for that matter.”
Whereupon all hell broke loose.
St. Martin Luther King prides itself on its openness. The year before, it had voted to become a so-called Oasis congregation, one specifically accepting of gays and lesbians.
But Mason’s blessing ceremony started a firestorm. A gay parishioner who asked not to be named said, “Look, I’ve known Jeff for years and I love the guy. But you have got to be kidding me.
“My partner and I just adopted a little girl. We have some standards. We can’t remain in a church where climbing the Eiffel Tower, if you know what I mean, is considered normal. Jeez!”
And he is by no means alone.
One of Adams’ clergy, himself gay, told the rector that unless Mason’s blessing was disavowed, he couldn’t continue at St. Martin Luther King.
“’Damn, Skip, how I am I supposed to preach knowing that someone out in the pews might be doing a little fly fishing, if you know what I mean,’” Adams relates.
That clergyman has since renounced his orders in the Episcopal Church. He and more than half of St. Martin Luther King’s parishioners, have formed the Our Lady of the Nicer Part of Town Anglican Gathering.
“This parish has taken a serious hit,” admits Adams.
Other gays and liberals at St. Martin Luther King are appalled at the reaction and the split. “If someone is oriented to remember the Maine, if you know what I mean, who are we to judge?” asked Mary Glasshouse, 63. “Jesus’ love was all-embracing, was it not?”
The Episcopal Church has once again been ripped apart with former allies now bitterly assailing one another. Smith, at one time part of the church’s liberal wing, defiantly defends his decision. “The question of sexual orientation is a complex one,” he said in a prepared statement.
“Some express affection toward persons of a different sex while others express affection toward persons of the same sex. It may well be that some are oriented toward conducting the New York Philharmonic, if you know what I mean. Only God knows the heart.”
Surprisingly, Smith’s views have been violently criticized by some of the most liberal bishops in the church. Even more surprisingly, one of the fiercest critics is New Hampshire’s Gene Robinson, the gay bishop whose consecration began the international Anglican civil war.
“No, I don’t agree with Smith at all,” Robinson said. “In fact, I think he needs to be brought up on charges, deposed and bitchslapped all the way back to Minnehaha or whatever that punk-ass, bigoted, little fundie hellhole he lives in is called.
“The idea that shoving it on down into overdrive, if you know what I mean, is a sexual orientation is insult to people like me with real sexual orientations. Not to mention disgusting. You suck, Smith.”
The Diocese of Los Angeles, which recently consecrated Mary Glasspool as the Episcopal Church’s second openly-gay bishop, was equally scornful.
“Ewwwww. That is SO DIGUSTING!! That is like the sickest thing I’ve ever heard. Ewwwww,” wrote the Rev. Susan Russell on her blog An Inch at a Time.
On the other hand, Bishop Gary Lillibridge of West Texas, one of the so-called Communion Partner bishops, remarked, “Great. Not only are we the ‘gay church,’ we’re also the church where javelin-throwing, if you know what I mean, has now become a ‘sexual orientation.’ Would you happen to have Bob Duncan‘s phone number?”
That the Episcopal Church has been torn into two hostile camps is illustrated by this partial transcript of a recent angry exchange on the House of Bishops and Deputies (HOBD) Chat Room:
ELIZABETH KAETON: George Wayne Smith is a d-bag
TOM ELY: gmta total d-bag
ELIZABETH KAETON: STG, I ever see anyone in my parish taking batting practice, IYKWIM, I’ll stop the liturgy and kick him right in the nads
JAN NUNLEY: FTW!!!!!!!!!!
TOM SHAW: lol sickos
MARY GRAY-REEVES: i want to kick GW Smith in the junk what a freakshow
TOM ELY: total freakshow
J. JON BRUNO: WTF, Smith expects us to accept pervs who put their fold-down tray tables in the upright and locked position IYKWIM like it was normal
MARK SISK: FTW!!! Smith’s a d-bag
MARY GRAY-REEVES: Not happening here. I ever see it, I’m going Jackie Chan on their family jewels IYKWIM
ELIZABETH KAETON: gmta lol
TOM ELY: totally right in the nads
JIM NAUGHTON has entered the room
JIM NAUGHTON: zup yo
TOM SHAW: the Washington Monument IYKWIM
MARK HOLLINGSWORTH: ROTFLMAO!!!!!
TOM ELY: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!
JIM NAUGTON: know where I’m going Friday night?
MARK SISK: Where?
JIM NAUGHTON: Bishop Chane is taking me to see Justin Bieber
MARK HOLLINGSWORTH: srsly? STFU
JIM NAUGTON: srsly tix r 3rd row center
ELIZABETH KAETON: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
J. JON BRUNO: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANN FONTANE: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARY GRAY-REEVES: Justin iz AWESUMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
JAN NUNLEY: jimmy n FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARK HOLLINGSWORTH: Bishop Chane iz SOOOOO KEWLLLLL!!!!!
MARY GRAY-REEVES: ita
TOM SHAW: bring us posters or something. We’ll pay u back. And bring ur flip so u can post some video
JIM NAUGTON: gmta u got it
J. JON BRUNO: u rock dude
TOM ELY: what r u going to wear??? emwtk
Around the Anglican world, reaction was mixed. A spokesperson for Archbishop Fred Hiltz, the Anglican Primate of Canada, said that Church House would have no statement, “until Bishop Schori tells the Archbishop what he thinks.”
An aide to Henry Orombi, the Anglican Primate of Uganda, said, “Just a second. Okunde! Okunde! You’ve won the pool! The whole thing! The Episcopalians just let a guy marry himself! I‘m totally serious! A New York Timesfreelancer just told me!”
“After 2003,” the aide continued, “we started this pool on the next weird crap the Episcopalians would introduce. Everybody here in the office thought it would be polygamy, polyamory, whatever you want to call it.
“Only Okunde thought it would be letting people marry themselves. We’re all like, no way and Okunde’s all like, way, and we’re all like, no way and Okunde’s all like, way.
“But it’s all good. Okunde’s running around the room like a wild man. You would too if you could take 2011 off.
“He told us lunch is on him today so in a few minutes, we’re all going to be hitting the Kampala Burger King hard. Day’s pretty much over, I think. And Okunde just said something about a kegger this weekend.”
Official Church of England reaction was low-key. Liberal Anglican activist Colin Coward blasted the decision calling it, “bloody idiotic.
“Bloody snake-handlers, if you know what I mean, need bloody help, not bloody encouragement. This is a bloody insult is what this bloody is. Bloody Americans.”
“Oh, bugger,” said conservative N. T. Wright, the Bishop of Durham and one of the foremost theologians in the world. “So the Yanks think hitting for six, if you know what I mean, is a sexual orientation, do they?
“Sod it. If anyone wants me, I’ll be at the pub.”
Lambeth Palace had no official reaction but John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York, was unusually blunt. “I’m telling you, if Archbishop Rowan calls another bloody meeting to deal with this bloody situation,” Sentamu told the Telegraph, “I’m going to personally go down to Canterbury and slap his face.”
The woman likely to be at the center of this new controversy, Episcopal Church Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori, sounded resigned. “Boy, we just can’t buy a break, can we?” she said, chuckling. “Guess next year’s General Convention’s going to be pretty lively again.”
Although the Presiding Bishop is unsure of her own moral and ethical stance on what she calls, “harpooning the whale, if you know what I mean,’ she feels that it will not threaten the long-term stability of either the Episcopal Church or the Anglican Communion.
“At the end of they day, as I’ve said over and over,” Bishop Schori said. “Much more unites us than divides us.”
No comments:
Post a Comment