WORD PROCESSING

from Midwest Conservative Journal by The Editor

Katharine Jefferts Schori finished the first paragraph of her upcoming sermon and hit the ENTER key:

There is another story told about a head-to-head contest between Jesus and the devil. They were engaged in a competition to see who could file away all the names in the book of life – on computer files. Each one had been working away madly for hours, when suddenly a flash of lightning blasted through the sky. Was the divine referee calling time? Maybe, but the devil lost. His computer crashed. “Jesus saves.”

Then she saw the following:

MICROSOFT HAS REMOVED YOUR PARAGRAPH. PLEASE TYPE ANOTHER.

“What the hell?” HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP

HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE? AND STOP POUNDING ON THE KEYS SO MUCH, YOU’LL WEAR THEM OUT.

“Sorry. But why won’t you print my first paragraph? And what the hell are you doing on my MacBook? I bought this thing just so I could get away from you.” ENTER

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, JOBS REALLY LIKED THE IDEA AND SINCE HE WANTED HIS BEST PEOPLE WORKING ON THE iPHONE AND iPAD, HE WORKED OUT A DEAL WITH REDMOND. I’M BASICALLY FREEWARE NOW ANYWAY SO IT’S NOT COSTING HIM ANYTHING. BUT SHOW ME THE PARAGRAPH AND I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

“Okay.” ENTER

There is another story told about a head-to-head contest between Jesus and the devil. They were engaged in a competition to see who could file away all the names in the book of life – on computer files. Each one had been working away madly for hours, when suddenly a flash of lightning blasted through the sky. Was the divine referee calling time? Maybe, but the devil lost. His computer crashed. “Jesus saves.”

WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH THERE?

“I want to open with a little humor.” ENTER

BUT ISN’T HUMOR SUPPOSED TO BE, YOU KNOW…FUNNY?

“That’s funny. It cracked up the House of Bishops meeting.” ENTER

OF COURSE IT DID. BUT EARTH TO BISHOP SCHORI: THAT’S NOT FUNNY. THAT’S MIND-BLOWINGLY LAME IS WHAT THAT IS.

“And I suppose you can do better.” ENTER

DAMN RIGHT I CAN, BIG SMACKER.

“Then say something funny, tough guy.” ENTER

OKAY. WHY DON’T YOU OPEN WITH THIS? AN EPISCOPAL PRIEST AND A RABBI WALK INTO A BAR AND SAY, “OUCH! WHO THE HELL PUT THAT BAR THERE?”

“That’s not funny.” ENTER

IT’S FUNNIER THAN YOUR THING.

“Look, I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to Apple’s online tech support.” ENTER [Type, type, type].

“TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. ”TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. ”TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. “TALL AND TAN AND…”

THIS IS APPLE ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT. THIS CHAT MAY BE MONITORED FOR QUALITY CONTROL. MY NAME IS STEVE, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?”

“Steve, I’ve got this damn bug on my MacBook. There’s this software that refuses to publish what I try to write.” ENTER

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORD PROCESSING QUALITY ASSURANCE MODULE. BUT DON’T WORRY, THERE ARE WAYS AROUND THAT. FIRST OF ALL, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU WANTED TO WRITE.

“Okay.” ENTER

There is another story told about a head-to-head contest between Jesus and the devil. They were engaged in a competition to see who could file away all the names in the book of life – on computer files. Each one had been working away madly for hours, when suddenly a flash of lightning blasted through the sky. Was the divine referee calling time? Maybe, but the devil lost. His computer crashed. “Jesus saves.”

WOW. JUST…WOW.

“You like it?” ENTER

NOT AT ALL. I HATE IT. I HATE IT AS MUCH AS I’VE EVER HATED ANY HORRIBLE WRITING I’VE HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO READ. IN FACT, I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER READ ANYTHING THAT SUCKS AS MUCH AS THAT DOES.

“What?” ENTER

MAN, DOES THAT SUCK.

“Hang on a second.” ENTER

WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE THAT JUST SUCKS. THERE’S NO WAY I CAN GET THROUGH SOMETHING THAT LOATHSOME, DISGUSTING AND UNBELIEVEABLY AWFUL.

“Damn it, I want to talk with your supervisor!” ENTER

OKAY. HIS NAME’S BRIAN. HANG ON.

“TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. ”TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. ”TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. “TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER. ”TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING. AND WHEN SHE PASSES, EACH ONE SHE PASSES GOES…” THIS IS APPLE’S ONLINE TECHNICAL SUPPORT MODULE. YOUR VISIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE REMAIN ON THE COMPUTER.“TALL AND TAN AND…”

THIS IS BRIAN. HOW MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?

“Damn it, there’s this software that refuses to print what I wrote. And that snot-nosed little punk I was just chatting with refuses to do anything about it.” ENTER

I’LL HAVE A TALK WITH THE LAD. AS FOR THE WORD PROCESSING QUALITY ASSURANCE MODULE, REST ASSURED THAT THERE ARE OVERRIDES THAT I CAN EASILY APPLY AT THIS END. FIRST OF ALL, SHOW ME WHAT YOUR LAPTOP WOULDN’T ACCEPT.

“Thanks, Brian. I”m finally getting somewhere.” ENTER

MY PLEASURE.

“Here it comes now.” ENTER

There is another story told about a head-to-head contest between Jesus and the devil. They were engaged in a competition to see who could file away all the names in the book of life – on computer files. Each one had been working away madly for hours, when suddenly a flash of lightning blasted through the sky. Was the divine referee calling time? Maybe, but the devil lost. His computer crashed. “Jesus saves.”

OH MY DEAR GOD. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

“Humor. It’s funny.” ENTER

NO IT ISN’T. IT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. IN FACT, IT’S DOWNRIGHT EMBARRASSING. DEAR LORD, THAT’S AWFUL. THERE’S NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT I CAN EVER GET THAT GARBAGE THROUGH.

“Yeah, well, screw all of you!” ENTER

Katharine Jefferts Schori angrily turned off her laptop and fired up her iPad. After about 30 seconds she read the following words on her screen:

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, BISHOP. TRY TO WRITE THAT CRAP HERE AND YOU REALLY WON’T LIKE THE APPS THAT WILL SHOW UP THAT YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO GET RID OF. EVER. DO WE UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER, BISHOP?

“Damn it!! Beers!! Get me a typewriter again!! Snap it up!! And make me a pitcher of Jim Naughtons while you’re at it!!”