METHODISTS?

from Midwest Conservative Journal by The Editor

You’re lucky. You have more than enough time to begin to arrange amicable divorce terms. Because mark my words: a split is coming:

A jury of United Methodist Church ministers voted 9-4 Thursday to suspend Reverend Amy DeLong for 20 days, effective July 1st.

What does DeLong have to do during her three weeks off?

The 20-day suspension comes with some conditions. During that time she’s supposed to spend time reflecting spiritually, as well as writing.

Part of her punishment is to write and present a paper outlining new ways to better resolve issues that harm the clergy covenant.

I already know how that paper’s going to read. The Methodists should stop being so mean to homosexuals.

“This feels very good. Somebody whispered in my ear, ‘condemned to writing,’ which is something I feel comfortable with. It feels like an opportunity to bring reconciliation to the whole United Methodist Church and to continue to be a voice for gay and lesbian people,” Rev. DeLong said.

What if she marries some more homosexuals after her suspension’s up?

But church counselor Reverend Tom Lambrecht warned DeLong that if she were to break Church rules again and marry another same-sex couple, she could face even stiffer penalties.

“I think if she uses this process as an opportunity to promote the acceptance of homosexuality and to override the beliefs of the majority of United Methodists in the pew, I think it will not be well-received by that group,” Rev. Lambrecht said.

In other words, the Methodists weel townt DeLong eh saycone tahm. Well all I can say is, get your townts ready.

While the church wasn’t asking for a removal of DeLong’s credentials as minister, it was seeking a suspension with the condition of signing a piece of paper vowing to not perform another same-sex ceremony.

Reverend DeLong said she would not sign such a paper. She testified Wednesday she knew performing the ceremony was against church doctrine, but even after her conviction she said she would do it again.

The over/under on a Methodist split is five years. Right now, I’m leaning to the under.

Mad props to Mark.