I MIGHT BE AMBIGUOUS(THEN AGAIN, I MIGHT NOT BE)
A TEO outlet in Texas seeks a new a new rector with certain core values. According to the fifth of these core values, this joint is looking for an individual capable of:
Embracing ambiguity and understanding the importance of uncertainty
“Next. Please come in. The Rev. Christopher Johnson, is it?”
“Possibly.”
“Possibly? Don’t you know who you are?”
“According to the best available evidence, I know who I believe myself to be. But since man can’t perceive reality all at once, partial explanations like ‘time,’ ’cause and effect’ and similar concepts were postulated. So whether the name on my driver’s license describes who I actually am remains to be seen.”
“Couldn’t you have a DNA test performed or something?”
“Which would tell me what? That I’m related to some member of my family? That communicates nothing. For all I know, I could be the child of some wayward sister the family didn’t want anyone to know about. The state could have taken me away from my real mother and sent me to live with my aunt who called herself my mother.”
“I don’t underst…okay, now I get it! Great job! You’ve seen our church’s core values list and you’re demonstrating that you can embrace ambiguity.”
“That’s one interpretation.”
“Well, I…wait, what? What other interpretation could there possibly be?”
“What does ambiguity mean?
“Just a second, let me call up the definition on an online dictionary. Ah, here it is. Ambiguity. Doubtfulness or uncertainty of meaning or intention. An unclear, indefinite, or equivocal word, expression, meaning, etc.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“That’s what it says right here.”
“It’s abundantly clear to you what ambiguity means?”
“Of course.”
“Then you only know the meaning of the word ambiguity but you cannot describe what ambiguity actually is.”
“What on Earth are you talking about?”
“If you’re unambiguous about ambiguity or some aspect thereof, then it ceases to be ambiguity. The definition you just read me demands it.”
“Uh…why?”
“Because by your own definition, if you’re unambiguous about ambiguity, then whatever it is that you’re unambiguous about can no longer be ambiguity since ambiguity and unambiguity cannot describe the same thing. Oh my dear Lord, people, an elementary-school logic class knows that.”
“But…but…we…um…you…can’t…we…uh…but what about the second half of that core value? Do you understand the importance of uncertainty?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?!”
“Because I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to understand the importance of.”
“Uncertainty!”
“Are you certain of that?”
“Yes!!”
“So I’m supposed to understand the importance of a concept that I’m not even certain actually exists?”
“What?!!”
“The moment that one becomes certain that one understands the importance of uncertainty, then uncertainty is no longer uncertainty since one is certain that one understands something that is supposed to be uncertain. QED, I don’t understand uncertainty at all, never mind its supposed importance.”
“But…but…”
“I’m terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I’m going to have to refuse this position.”
“Why?!!”
I’m a person who values logic. I read the Prior Analytics and the Posterior Analytics once a year and I still have my Copi from college.”
“Now wait just a minute!”
“Quite frankly, to associate with people who emote instead of think would be excruciatingly painful for me. So I’ll just take my leave. Good luck in your search and thank you for your time.”
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