Caligula Converts, Makes His Horse a Bishop

from Anglican Curmudgeon by A. S. Haley

(ENS, Rome) The Emperor of Rome, Gaius Caligula, announced yesterday that he had become a convert to Christianity, and that the Roman Empire would now become the "Episcopalian Empire." In celebration of this momentous event, he said that he would make his horse, Incitatus, a bishop in the Episcopal Church.

"I have learned that the Episcopal Church is a very inclusive church," he said in an interview with Empirical News. "Their Presiding Bishop has said that she will take orders to consecrate any bishop elected in accordance with the rules. Incitatus has been baptized, and so now under the Church's canons, he cannot be excluded from holy orders. We will hold a convention, which I personally shall call, to declare ourselves a Diocese of the Church (I have been told that they cannot wait to have a Diocese of Rome), and then we will elect my horse and notify the Presiding Bishop."

Asked about this news, the Archbishop of Canterbury had the following to say: "The Anglican Communion welcomes all to its doors, and asks only that they observe a period of gracious restraint before engaging in acts which some might take to be contrary to the mind of the Communion. As in any Communion, there can be many a slip betwixt cup and the lip, and I am confident that when (and if) the time comes to extend episcopal fellowship to those whose holy orders qualify them for full participation in the councils here at Lambeth, I or my successor will be up to that task, and will weigh in at the appropriate time with further remarks."

Bishop J. Jon Bruno, of the Diocese of Los Angeles, said that a baptized horse had every bit as much right to become a bishop as he, a divorcé, did. He praised Caligula for his humanitarian act, and observed that it would lead to less lion fodder in the Circus Maximus. "Everyone can be welcomed into the Episcopal Church," he said. "The only losers are the lions.