VISITATIONS
“Hello, the is the Presiding Bishop’s office, Katharine Jefferts Schori speaking. You expose ‘em, I depose ‘em. YOU TALK NOW!!”
“Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t expect to talk to you right away, Bishop Katharine. I thought I’d get your receptionist.”
“She’s got Brooklyn Cyclones tickets. They play the Staten Island Yankees in Brooklyn this evening and it’s all everyone here in the Big Apple’s been talking about for the last six weeks so I sent her home early. To whom am I speaking?”
“I don’t know a Chatsworth Benihana.”
“No, Bishop Katharine, it’s Charles Bennison, the Bishop of Pennsylvania.”
“Sorry about that, Bishop. We must have a bad connection.”
“That’s perfectly all right, Bishop Katharine.”
“You say that like it’s my fault.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that…”
“Although now that you mention it, a teppanyaki place might be just the thing once we get done here.”
“What are you doing?”
“It’s 4:30 and we’re off the clock so some of the office staff and I are having a few drinks from the bar in my office. I just finished my first Jim Naughton of the evening.”
“I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of that drink.”
“It’s simple but elegant. Put some anchovy paste into a glass, mix in enough vodka to liquify everying, rub some Marmite on the rim, garnish with Limburger cheese and you’re there. What can I do you for, Chuckles?”
“Bishop Katharine, I believe I told you that I don’t like being called Chuckles.”
“And I believe I told you that I find calling you Chuckles hysterically funny. So one of us is going to end up disappointed and I don’t like my chances. Now get on with it.”
“Well, Bishop Katharine, as you know…”
“Bishop?”
“Yes, Bishop Katharine?”
“Why are you telling me something I apparently already know?”
“It’s just a figure of speech, Bishop Katharine.”
“Yeah, well, it bugs the hell out of me so knock it off.”
“Sorry, Bishop Katharine. As…my, uh, return to my duties has, I think we all can admit, created a certain amount of…um…tension here in the Diocese.”
“Hang on a second, I’ve got to sneeze. Ah…ah…ah…ah…ah…RESIGN!! Damn allergies. Sorry about that.”
“Quite all right. Anyway, I begin visitations this weekend and since you visited the Diocese recently…”
“Three months ago.”
“…I was hoping that you could fill me in on any changes that have been made and things to watch out for. You know, so I don’t offend people.”
“Glad to help. Beers!! How are you coming with those Jello shots, you little bitch?!! Where are you going to be this Sunday?”
“All Saints, Chester.”
“The thing you want to remember is that this Sunday is their Opposite Day. They won’t mention it to you, that’s part of the fun, but it’s a parish tradition. So when you speak off the cuff, it’s extremely important to say exactly the opposite of what you mean.
“You might say something along the lines of, “It really sucks having to spend Sunday with all you losers.’ That kind of thing.”
“Got it. Thanks a lot, Bishop Katharine.”
“My pleasure. At Church of the Advent in Conshohocken, they take this stuff really seriously so they’ll loudly argue with you about your sermon. Usually while you’re delivering it. When they start throwing prayer books at you, just remember to pay attention and duck.”
“That’s horrible!”
“Man up, you big baby! I had a hermeneutics professor who used to shoot me in the head every time I delivered a sermon he didn’t like!
“Hang on, got another sneeze coming. Ah…ah…ah…GETAFREAKINGCLUEMORON!!
“Let’s see, what else? Resurrection isn’t in King of Prussia anymore. They moved a few miles west to a town called Pasquamaquadquahuacshuan Valley.”
“Where’s that?”
“If I remember correctly, it’s halfway between East Wacowahanamapeepee Heights and Dummkopfsberg. Just ask a local, they’ll know how to get there. St. Mary’s in Fort Washington is going to pose a bit of a problem.”
“Why is that?”
“They ordered a new church sign and everything got screwed up. Long story short, the company installed the wrong sign so they’re still trying to sort everything out.
“Anyway, if you see a sign that says a place is a Sisters of Perpetual Adoration convent, ignore it. That’s where you want to go. Just vest and walk right in.”
“Thanks, Bishop Katharine.”
“Don’t worry if they start throwing balloons filled with urine at you after the service at Transfiguration in Philly. That’s just their way of showing affection.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“You have been out for a while. St. Matthias in Pottstown is extremely important so pay attention. They just got a new rector, a Father Edward Douchebag.”
“Douchebag?”
“Douchebag. The Douchebags are one of the oldest, wealthiest and most respected families in greater Pottstown, they personally built that parish over 200 years ago and many Douchebags still worship there every single Sunday.
“So make sure that you personally thank Father Douchebag for his hospitality and tell the parish that you look forward to personally greeting Father Douchebag, Mrs. Douchebag and all the other Douchebags who happen to be in attendance that Sunday.”
“I understand. I really appreciate this, Bishop Katharine. Thanks very much.”
“No. Thank you.”
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