THE 2010 INTERNATIONAL ANGLICAN BLOGGERS SUMMIT MEETING
Lambeth Palace, London
Transcript – Must credit MCJ
ROWAN WILLIAMS: First of all, the Archbishop of York and I would like to thank you all for coming. As many of you know, some are calling this meeting the world’s first digital Lambeth Conference because…
SCOTT GUNN: Dear God, I hope not.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: Um…why?
SCOTT GUNN: Does that mean that we’re all just going to sit around babbling for a few days and then issue some kind of meaningless statement? Because if we are, count me out. I’ve got Spurs tickets for this afternoon.
WANNABE ANGLICAN: Who are they playing?
SCOTT GUNN: Man U.
WANNABE ANGLICAN: Sweet!
ROWAN WILLIAMS: No, no, it’s nothing like that. I called this meeting because the Anglican Communion recognizes the influence and importance of the new media in Anglican affairs…
MARK HARRIS: You’ve finally figured that out, have you, Dr. Williams? Good to know. If you want, I can stick around for a week and do a seminar for Communion staff on something all the kids these days call “electronic mail.”
SARAH DYLAN BREUER: Then there’s the whole carbon footprint thing. The world’s first digital Lambeth Conference consists of a bunch of people flying in great big airplanes halfway around the world to sit in a room and stare at each other? Have someone on your staff look up the term “videoconference” some time, Your Grace.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: …and we felt that by calling a meeting of bloggers from all sides of the Anglican Comm…yes? Do you have a question?
CHRIS JOHNSON: Where’s the booze?
ROWAN WILLIAMS: Um…over there in the corner.
CHRIS JOHNSON: Open bar?
ROWAN WILLIAMS: I’m afraid I don’t know what that means.
CHRIS JOHNSON: Do we have to pay for it?
ROWAN WILLIAMS: No, no, certainly not.
CHRIS JOHNSON: Sweet!
GREG GRIFFITH: Get me something, will you, Johnson?
CHRIS JOHNSON: Will do.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: Now then, I’ve asked you here because we feel that…yes?
RED STICK RANT: What’s that thing in the case over there?
SIMON SARMIENTO: That’s William of Wykeham’s celebrated crosier.
RED STICK RANT: Can I have it?
ROWAN WILLIAMS: What? No, you can’t have it. That’s a national treasure.
WANNABE ANGLICAN: But I thought all those cases contained our participation gifts.
CAPTAIN YIPS: Really? Then I’m going home with that original edition of the first Book of Common Prayer over there.
JOHN SENTAMU: No, I’m afraid you don’t quite under…
SCOTT GUNN: Is that a Turner on the back wall?
ROWAN WILLIAMS: I believe so.
SCOTT GUNN: Sweet! Anybody got a razor blade or an Exacto knife?
SARAH DYLAN BREUER: Dibs on the Constable!
SUSAN RUSSELL: Damn it, I wanted that!
SARAH DYLAN BREUER: Too bad. You snooze, you lose, grandma.
SUSAN RUSSELL: Listen, you little punk, I will personally…
CHRIS JOHNSON: Greg?
GREG GRIFFITH: What?
CHRIS JOHNSON: Our gracious lord of Canterbury over there didn’t provide any bourbon.
GREG GRIFFITH: Crap on a stick!! Well what have they got?
CHRIS JOHNSON: A bunch of Irish and Scottish fake bourbon. I guess Europeans haven’t learned how to make real bourbon yet.
GREG GRIFFITH: Effing cradle-to-grave socialism robbing people of initiative. Just pour me a triple of one of ‘em, willya? Doesn’t matter which.
CHRIS JOHNSON: Yeah, they’re pretty much all the same anyway. Comin’ up.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: I think we’ve gotten badly sidetracked here. The items I’ve assembled in this room aren’t your participation gifts although you will be receiving tokens of our appreciation for coming here today.
JOHN SENTAMU: These items are meant to display aspects of the history of Christianity in these islands in the hopes that regardless of which side of the various controversies roiling the Anglican Communion right now that you find yourselves, you will see that we all share a common heritage that would be disastrous to lose.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: We realize that all of you represent radically different, some might even say mutually exclusive, Anglican viewpoints. It was our hope that if you could come to some point of commonality, some point of agreement…
MARK HARRIS: We already have.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: What? You have? When?
WANNABE ANGLICAN: Last night.
RED STICK RANT: We’re at this Kensington pub Sarmiento recommended called the Spork & Beanie-Weenees. We were on our, what, fourth round?
SCOTT GUNN: Fifth.
RED STICK RANT: Fifth round when Sarah just suddenly blurted something out.
CHRIS JOHNSON: Know something? I would kill for a Gentleman Jack right about now.
GREG GRIFFITH: Word.
CAPTAIN YIPS: There’s this dead silence in the group. Then we look at each other and we’re all like, “Yeah. That’s it.”
SUSAN RUSSELL: We’d reached consensus. Maybe you can call it a miracle but all of us, right and left, had reached perfect agreement.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: Well that’s splendid! I must say…that’s wonderful news! What did you decide?!
WANNABE ANGLICAN: We decided this, Your Grace.
SARAH DYLAN BREUER: We all think you should make a decision.
ROWAN WILLIAMS: Um…about what?
RED STICK RANT: That’s up to you. We just think you should actually decide something for a change.
MARK HARRIS: Doesn’t much matter what.
CAPTAIN YIPS: Just decide something before you retire.
SCOTT GUNN: So I guess we’re done here. Listen, I’ve got an extra ducat. Want to come with?
WANNABE ANGLICAN: Sweet! White Hart Lane, here we come!
Fifteen minutes later
JIM NAUGHTON: Sorry I’m late. Can someone fill me in on how…uh…hello? Hello? Is anybody here?
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