ROBOCALLS

from Midwest Conservative Journal by The Editor

Hello. This is a message from your friends at St. John’s Episcopal Church. We just wanted to remind you that this Sunday is Pledge Sunday. For your convenience, pledge cards and initial pledge checks will be collected during the Offertory. See you then!

Hello. This is a message from your friends at St. John’s Episcopal Church. We notice that we did not receive either a pledge card or a pledge check from you last Sunday. We sincerely hope that you do not have some kind of family emergency. If there is anything we can do to help, be sure and give us a call.

Hello. This is a message from your friends at St. John’s Episcopal Church. For the second week in a row, we don’t seem to have received a pledge card or initial pledge check from you. Is something wrong? If you’re undergoing some sort of personal emergency, we’re here to help. Give us a call.

Hello. This is a message from your friends at St. John’s Episcopal Church. Okay, it’s been three weeks now. We haven’t seen you or received a pledge card or pledge check from you and, frankly, we’re worried. If you are currently unable to attend St. John’s, let us know and we’ll send you an addressed envelope to send us your pledge in.

Hello. This is a message from your friends at St. John’s Episcopal Church. Someone here in the office told us that you and your family are in perfectly good health. And they saw you walking into the building where that new quote, Anglican church, unquote, meets. We assume you went there to find out for yourselves just how racist and bigoted those people are. We sincerely hope you weren’t too sickened and disgusted by all the racism and bigotry you saw there. We’ll see you back here in St. John’s this Sunday!

Hello. This is a message from St. John’s Episcopal Church. Frankly, we’re worried about you. It’s been over a month, we don’t have your pledge card or initial pledge check and it’s been reported that you went back to that quote, Anglican church, unquote, again. Is someone there blackmailing you or something? Don’t you realize that not only are those people not Anglicans, they’re not even Christians? Here at St. John’s, we care about deluded people like you. Please give us a call.

Hello. This is a message from St. John’s Episcopal Church. Okay so maybe calling you “deluded” might have been a little out of line. But look at their so-called quote, Archbishop, unquote. The guy’s an African, for crying out loud. The first-grade Sunday school class here at St. John’s knows more theology than that moron does if you know what we mean and we think you do. You really need to attend a church with a correct view of Christian theology. It’s for your own good.

Hello. This is a message from St. John’s Episcopal Church. Now that we’ve had time to think it over, our last call might have sounded a little racist. But damn it, we’re really upset about you. We’d hate to see you lose your soul to a quote, church, unquote, like that. Did you know that Bob Duncan’s practically a Mormon? And that Jack Iker speaks in tongues on a regular basis? Is that really the sort of quote, church, unquote, you want to associate with, big man? Because if it is, we never knew you at all.

This is a message from St. John’s Episcopal Church. Okay, fun is fun but we’re starting to lose our patience with you. Not only have you not gotten your pledge card and first pledge check in to the office, but now we’ve been told that you made a donation to that new quote, Anglican church, unquote. We assume that you had a pop or two before you went to their building and gave them a dollar or something so we’re willing to forgive you. Just don’t let it happen again. And get some help for your obvious drinking problem.

You know damn well who this is, you bastard!! Our banker friend told us that not only did you give that quote, Anglican church, unquote, some money, you wrote them a check!! Then you wrote them another one last Sunday!! Have you sent those bigots our pledge money?!! DID YOU HONESTLY THINK WE’D NEVER FIND OUT?!! You’d better have all the money you owe us IN THE FREAKING COLLECTION PLATE next Sunday or so help us God, we’ll come to your house and kick your…click.

Hello. This is a message from your friends at St. John’s Episcopal Church. We sincerely apologize for the tone of our last message. We really didn’t mean to fly off the handle like that and we swear that it will never happen again. Can we just, you know, start over? Forget that the last three months ever happened? It’d be the Christian thing for you to do. Please give us a call and let’s talk this whole situation over.

FINE!! We have had it!! We’re sick and tired of all your passive-aggressive crap!! Do you honestly think St. John’s will fold up and die without your money, you little bitch?! Our Diocesan foundation has more scratch than a lot of countries. And the people who attend St. John’s are not only cooler but better-looking than the people who attend your little Klan meetings. So good riddance! St. John’s will be much better off without douchebags like you. We always thought you were kind of a dork anyway.