QUOTAS
“Mike?”
“Hey, Ed, great to see you. You here for lunch too?”
“Yeah.”
“Then sit down, big man. Say, did you and Annie ever get into St. Andrew’s? It’ll be great seeing you guys on Sundays.”
“No, they turned us down.”
“Let me guess. The Episcopal Church’s new diversity guidelines.”
“Uh huh. They told me they were over their European-American limit and that Annie and I couldn’t join unless more white people left.”
“Don’t worry about it. They turned Keisha and I down once.”
“How is that possible?! You’re African-American!”
“They have quotas for us too. First time we tried, they told us that they want to make Episcopal parishes as diverse as they can, they’d reached their African-American limit and try again next year.”
“Then how in the world did you and Keisha get in?”
“Easy. You play the angles.”
“What do you mean?”
“When we went back the very next week, they gave me the ‘we’ve reached our African-American’ limit line again. I told them, that’s fine but my heritage is Yoruba. Have you reached your Yoruba limit?”
“Are you Yoruba?”
“Damned if I know.”
“What if they ask you to prove it?”
“Dude. Episcopalians never do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s when you act all offended and angry. How dare you call me a liar, white boy?!! Episcopalians will insult European-Americans at the drop of a hat but everybody else can do no wrong. Have you got any non-European ancestry in you?”
“Let’s see. Suggestions of Wampanoag, Shawnee and Musgogee here and there along the line but nothing definite.”
“Then make one up. Call yourself Western Wampanoag or something.”
“What if they ask me for an ID card?”
“That’s when you REALLY get angry and tell them something like, ‘The Western Wampanoag people do not need ID cards to know who we are! I thought the Episcopal Church wasn’t racist but I guess I was wrong.’
“Then get up and storm out in a rage. Take it to the bank, they’ll run after you, apologizing all over the place.”
“Really.”
“Then there’s the whole sex angle.”
“I thought that was settled. Heterosexual and homosexual.”
“Dude, that is so 1999. In the Episcopal Church, just about anything is a ‘sexuality’ these days.”
“What do you mean?”
“They just got done apologizing to us for the Yoruba thing. When they convinced us to come back in and resume the interview, they asked about sexuality.
“Keisha told them that she really enjoys getting spanked. And they’re all like, ‘Well, we don’t really recognize that as a separate sexuality because…’
“So I stand up and yell, ‘I thought you Episcopalians taught that Jesus accepted everyone!! But I guess members of the Spanking-American community aren’t welcome!! Don’t worry, we won’t darken your door again!! Hypocrites!!’ And we storm out again.”
“What did it take to get you back that time?”
“They gave us our own pew.”
“Thanks, man, this is really been enlightening. One more question. Where do you and Keisha actually worship?”
“Keisha’s folks are Catholic so she’s usually at St. Mark’s. Me, I spend Sunday evenings at this little storefront Pentecostal church my little brother started. Sometimes I go to St Mark’s with my wife and sometimes she spends Sunday nights with me.”
“Then what do you two need St. Andrew’s for?”
“Networking. I picked up 27 new clients in the first six months and Keisha got a slot with the best law firm in this area.”
“I guess it’s like Willie Sutton said, isn’t it?”
“Damn straight. That’s where the money is.”
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