THE WHOLE NINE YARDS

from Midwest Conservative Journal by The Editor

Jillian Keenan thinks the US ought to go for it:

Recently, Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council reintroduced a tired refrain: Legalized gay marriage could lead to other legal forms of marriage disaster, such as polygamy. Rick Santorum, Bill O’Reilly, and other social conservatives have made similar claims. It’s hardly a new prediction—we’ve been hearing it for years. Gay marriage is a slippery slope! A gateway drug! If we legalize it, then what’s next? Legalized polygamy?

Yes, really. While the Supreme Court and the rest of us are all focused on the human right of marriage equality, let’s not forget that the fight doesn’t end with same-sex marriage. We need to legalize polygamy, too. Legalized polygamy in the United States is the constitutional, feminist, and sex-positive choice. More importantly, it would actually help protect, empower, and strengthen women, children, and families.

For decades, the prevailing logic has been that polygamy hurts women and children. That makes sense, since in contemporary American practice that is often the case. In many Fundamentalist Latter-day Saints  polygamous communities, for example, women and underage girls are forced into polygamous unions against their will. Some boys, who represent the surplus of males, are brutally thrown out of their homes and driven into homelessness and poverty at very young ages. All of these stories are tragic, and the criminals involved should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. (That goes without saying, I hope.)

We can only hope.

Hey, I’m game.  If you’re a woman who wants to take up with two or more men or if you’re a man who wants a harem, that’s between you and God.  But I mainly wouldn’t mind seeing this happen because I want to be in the room the first time some homosexual Episcopal priest or bishop has to tell Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Threeway why they can’t have their “relationship” blessed in an Episcopal church.

Because, when you think about it, Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Threeway have a stronger theological case for their “marriage” than homosexuals wanting to get “married” do.  After all, it says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave on to his wife and the two shall be one flesh.”  It doesn’t say cleave on to his significant other Duane.

(I realize that we’re talking about Episcopalians here so serious theology is pretty much out the door but play along anyway).  So some perverted dirtbag guy can say, “Hey, I left my father and mother, cleaved on to my wife and the two of us are one flesh.  Then I cleaved on to that wife there.  And that one.  And that hot blonde in the corner.  And hey, didn’t David and Solomon git sahm several times a day pretty much every day of the week and they wrote a good chunk of the Bible?”