BREAKING
An explosive internal Episcopal Church memo obtained by the Midwest Conservative Journal suggests that the charges filed against South Carolina Bishop Mark Lawrence are much more serious than has been revealed so far. A source close to Church Center believes that the memo constitutes “as clear a case of abandonment of communion as it is possible to conceive.”
According to the memo, Bishop Lawrence:
(1) once attended a Pittsburgh Pirates game with Bob Duncan, the deposed bishop of Pittsburgh, did not boo at all and purchased a Pirates T-shirt and an Andrew McCutchen bobble-head after the game.
(2) as a youth, thought the red splotches on his face were pronounced “acna” until corrected by amused classmates.
(3) literally cannot force himself to utter the phrase “live into.”
(4) thought Dorsey Henderson was an old Tonight Show band leader.
(5) along with other Communion Partner bishops, regularly snuck out of House of Bishops meetings to play miniature golf.
(6) ran the Three-Card Monte concession at the 2009 General Convention and relieved the Presiding Bishop of $2,350.
(7) thought The Book of Daniel was pretty much the stupidest television series ever produced.
(8) while listening to “Iko Iko” by the Dixie Cups on his car radio, an Episcopal Forum member sitting in her car fifty yards behind him with her window rolled up definitely heard him sing “Iker Iker.”
(9) embarrassed bishops at 2008 Lambeth Conference by asking which in-a-gadda-da-vida group he was in.
(10) received rave reviews for his performance as King Duncan in a Charleston theater company production ofMacbeth.
(11) during a brief 2006 meeting, suggested to St. Louis Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan that Adam Wainwright might make an effective closer for the Cards’ stretch run.
(12) believes that San Antonio Spurs basketball player Tim Duncan is an obvious first-ballot Hall-of-Famer.
(13) as a money-raising venture for a South Carolina youth group, recently allowed himself to be the target on a so-called “dunkin’ booth” during a parish picnic.
(14) deliberately brought a pan of his wife’s Duncan Hines® fudge brownies to a House of Bishops trivia night.
(15) regularly enjoys a breakfast of coffee and a bear claw purchased at a Dunkin’ Donuts near his office.
According to the memo, Bishop Lawrence:
(1) once attended a Pittsburgh Pirates game with Bob Duncan, the deposed bishop of Pittsburgh, did not boo at all and purchased a Pirates T-shirt and an Andrew McCutchen bobble-head after the game.
(2) as a youth, thought the red splotches on his face were pronounced “acna” until corrected by amused classmates.
(3) literally cannot force himself to utter the phrase “live into.”
(4) thought Dorsey Henderson was an old Tonight Show band leader.
(5) along with other Communion Partner bishops, regularly snuck out of House of Bishops meetings to play miniature golf.
(6) ran the Three-Card Monte concession at the 2009 General Convention and relieved the Presiding Bishop of $2,350.
(7) thought The Book of Daniel was pretty much the stupidest television series ever produced.
(8) while listening to “Iko Iko” by the Dixie Cups on his car radio, an Episcopal Forum member sitting in her car fifty yards behind him with her window rolled up definitely heard him sing “Iker Iker.”
(9) embarrassed bishops at 2008 Lambeth Conference by asking which in-a-gadda-da-vida group he was in.
(10) received rave reviews for his performance as King Duncan in a Charleston theater company production ofMacbeth.
(11) during a brief 2006 meeting, suggested to St. Louis Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan that Adam Wainwright might make an effective closer for the Cards’ stretch run.
(12) believes that San Antonio Spurs basketball player Tim Duncan is an obvious first-ballot Hall-of-Famer.
(13) as a money-raising venture for a South Carolina youth group, recently allowed himself to be the target on a so-called “dunkin’ booth” during a parish picnic.
(14) deliberately brought a pan of his wife’s Duncan Hines® fudge brownies to a House of Bishops trivia night.
(15) regularly enjoys a breakfast of coffee and a bear claw purchased at a Dunkin’ Donuts near his office.
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