COLD CALL
“Hello?”
“Hello. May I speak to Christopher Johnson?”
“Sure thing. Hang on a second. ‘Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking. And when she passes, each one she passes goes…’ This is Chris Johnson.”
“Mr. Johnson…may I call you Chris?”
“No.”
“Well, um, anyway, Mr. Johnson, I’m with the national office of the Episcopal Church.”
“Really? To what do I owe this honor? Or honour if you’re from Canada or someplace else in the British Commonwealth?”
“We were just wondering, sir, if you were familiar with what we consider to be one of the most important, if notthe most important, spiritual movement in a very long time.”
“Pentecostalism? Sure. One of the fastest-growing branches of Christianity.”
“Sir, that wasn’t what we…”
“It’s making tremendous inroads in predominently-Catholic countries all over the world. And Lord knows it’s kicking Anglicanism’s butt up one side and down the other.”
“Mr Johnson, we didn’t mean…”
“Been looking into it myself lately. You know, the theological implications and such. Don’t much care for the worship style, frankly, what with all that emotionalism. I’m more of a Quaker-type guy that way, if you know what I mean.”
“Actually, Mr. Johnson, we were referring to the Occupy movement.”
“What’s that?”
“Surely you’ve heard of the Occupy movement. All over the world, young people and older people from all walks of life have been camping in open public spaces. Perhaps you have some in your home town.”
“Webster Groves? Don’t think so. Although every time I drive through Old Orchard, I see this guy with a lapper in Gazebo Park. Every single time. Could he be part of this?
“I honestly don’t know, sir.”
“He could be pinching free wi-fi from Starbucks. There’s one not more than 20 yards away. Anyway, what are all these people camping out for?”
“To drag this nation kicking and screaming if need be to address issues of economic justice and income inequality. You’re a Christian, aren’t you, Mr. Johnson?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t you think it’s a sin against God that 1% of the population controls the bulk of American income?”
“Not really.”
“Well, we’re glad to hear that you…wait, what?”
“I pull down 25 grand a year, give or take. Life’s a stuggle but I get by.”
“So you understand the necessity of…”
“Not so much. Deciding that Scrooge McDuck over there has too much money sort of implies that I deserve to have more money than I do. And that’s kind of a sin by itself. Exodus 20:17 and all that.”
“Exo what with the what now?”
“Never mind. But tell me something. How does camping out and…say, those Occupy folks don’t like to beat on drums, do they?”
“Some Occupy groups find drumming to be a richly rewarding way to…”
“Dude, the term ‘drum circle’ literally makes me homicidal.”
“Well, I, uh…”
“If you and I were standing next to each other, like, right now and you said the words ‘drum circle’ to me, I would slit your throat with about as much emotion as I would gut and filet a fish. Are we clear?”
“Er, uh, certainly.”
“Good. Anyway, how exactly does camping out bring about economic justice and income equality?
“Mr. Johnson, the Occupy movement is still in its infancy. It’s still working out exactly how to…”
“Let me get this straight. You camp out in some public space and, I suppose, mooch food off guilty liberals. Something happens. Then there’s economic justice, income equality and crap.”
“As I said, this movement is still a work in progress so…”
“Basically, Occupiers are the Underpants Gnomes of Christianity.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It’s an obscure cultural reference. What are you calling about?”
“Mr. Johnson, as an Episcopalian of long standing…”
“I’m not an Episcopalian.”
“Sir, it says here that you are.”
“Haven’t been inside an Episcopal church since Robbie got his pointy hat. But what do you need me for?”
“Mr. Johnson, the Occupy movement needs more Episcopal places to occupy.”
“Yeah, I see where Trinity-Wall Street ran those people.”
“Many of us think that Trinity is controlled by interests that don’t necessarily…”
“The big money boys, yeah, I know. But why did Seattle run you guys? Redmond? Are we talking Microsoft jack here?”
“Sir, the situations aren’t…”
“Whatever. What’s the purpose of this call?”
“We realize that our relations with individual churches haven’t been the best but like I said before, the Occupy movement is still working these things out. We’re just looking for other Episcopal locations to occupy.”
“And you called me because…”
“We got your name off an Episcopal list. Mr. Johnson, the Occupy movement would like to occupy your home.”
“How many people are we talking about?”
“About 50 to 60 people would be setting up tents.”
“Gotcha. Dude, two things. You know I live in a small apartment, right?”
“Well the list didn’t specify…”
“Fifty to sixty people living in here would be basically stacked up like cordwood, yo.”
“I don’t know that it’s necessary to…”
“Never mind the strain it would put on the plumbing. And who’s going to feed all these people?”
“Well, we thought that…you would.”
“Really? You honestly thought I’d perpetually feed a bunch of people I completely disagree with and who are working against everything I stand for at my own expense?”
“Well, yeah, since you…”
“What are you, high?”
“No, not at all.”
“Spunky? If a bunch of impressionable young people ever decided to crash here, I’d spend my off-hours turning them on to David Virtue, Stand Firm and minor, second-tier sites like the MCJ.
“Um, er, um, I think we…uh…have a wrong number, Mr. Johnson. We’re very sorry to have bothered you.
“Not a problem at all. Have a good one.”
“Hello. May I speak to Christopher Johnson?”
“Sure thing. Hang on a second. ‘Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking. And when she passes, each one she passes goes…’ This is Chris Johnson.”
“Mr. Johnson…may I call you Chris?”
“No.”
“Well, um, anyway, Mr. Johnson, I’m with the national office of the Episcopal Church.”
“Really? To what do I owe this honor? Or honour if you’re from Canada or someplace else in the British Commonwealth?”
“We were just wondering, sir, if you were familiar with what we consider to be one of the most important, if notthe most important, spiritual movement in a very long time.”
“Pentecostalism? Sure. One of the fastest-growing branches of Christianity.”
“Sir, that wasn’t what we…”
“It’s making tremendous inroads in predominently-Catholic countries all over the world. And Lord knows it’s kicking Anglicanism’s butt up one side and down the other.”
“Mr Johnson, we didn’t mean…”
“Been looking into it myself lately. You know, the theological implications and such. Don’t much care for the worship style, frankly, what with all that emotionalism. I’m more of a Quaker-type guy that way, if you know what I mean.”
“Actually, Mr. Johnson, we were referring to the Occupy movement.”
“What’s that?”
“Surely you’ve heard of the Occupy movement. All over the world, young people and older people from all walks of life have been camping in open public spaces. Perhaps you have some in your home town.”
“Webster Groves? Don’t think so. Although every time I drive through Old Orchard, I see this guy with a lapper in Gazebo Park. Every single time. Could he be part of this?
“I honestly don’t know, sir.”
“He could be pinching free wi-fi from Starbucks. There’s one not more than 20 yards away. Anyway, what are all these people camping out for?”
“To drag this nation kicking and screaming if need be to address issues of economic justice and income inequality. You’re a Christian, aren’t you, Mr. Johnson?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t you think it’s a sin against God that 1% of the population controls the bulk of American income?”
“Not really.”
“Well, we’re glad to hear that you…wait, what?”
“I pull down 25 grand a year, give or take. Life’s a stuggle but I get by.”
“So you understand the necessity of…”
“Not so much. Deciding that Scrooge McDuck over there has too much money sort of implies that I deserve to have more money than I do. And that’s kind of a sin by itself. Exodus 20:17 and all that.”
“Exo what with the what now?”
“Never mind. But tell me something. How does camping out and…say, those Occupy folks don’t like to beat on drums, do they?”
“Some Occupy groups find drumming to be a richly rewarding way to…”
“Dude, the term ‘drum circle’ literally makes me homicidal.”
“Well, I, uh…”
“If you and I were standing next to each other, like, right now and you said the words ‘drum circle’ to me, I would slit your throat with about as much emotion as I would gut and filet a fish. Are we clear?”
“Er, uh, certainly.”
“Good. Anyway, how exactly does camping out bring about economic justice and income equality?
“Mr. Johnson, the Occupy movement is still in its infancy. It’s still working out exactly how to…”
“Let me get this straight. You camp out in some public space and, I suppose, mooch food off guilty liberals. Something happens. Then there’s economic justice, income equality and crap.”
“As I said, this movement is still a work in progress so…”
“Basically, Occupiers are the Underpants Gnomes of Christianity.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“It’s an obscure cultural reference. What are you calling about?”
“Mr. Johnson, as an Episcopalian of long standing…”
“I’m not an Episcopalian.”
“Sir, it says here that you are.”
“Haven’t been inside an Episcopal church since Robbie got his pointy hat. But what do you need me for?”
“Mr. Johnson, the Occupy movement needs more Episcopal places to occupy.”
“Yeah, I see where Trinity-Wall Street ran those people.”
“Many of us think that Trinity is controlled by interests that don’t necessarily…”
“The big money boys, yeah, I know. But why did Seattle run you guys? Redmond? Are we talking Microsoft jack here?”
“Sir, the situations aren’t…”
“Whatever. What’s the purpose of this call?”
“We realize that our relations with individual churches haven’t been the best but like I said before, the Occupy movement is still working these things out. We’re just looking for other Episcopal locations to occupy.”
“And you called me because…”
“We got your name off an Episcopal list. Mr. Johnson, the Occupy movement would like to occupy your home.”
“How many people are we talking about?”
“About 50 to 60 people would be setting up tents.”
“Gotcha. Dude, two things. You know I live in a small apartment, right?”
“Well the list didn’t specify…”
“Fifty to sixty people living in here would be basically stacked up like cordwood, yo.”
“I don’t know that it’s necessary to…”
“Never mind the strain it would put on the plumbing. And who’s going to feed all these people?”
“Well, we thought that…you would.”
“Really? You honestly thought I’d perpetually feed a bunch of people I completely disagree with and who are working against everything I stand for at my own expense?”
“Well, yeah, since you…”
“What are you, high?”
“No, not at all.”
“Spunky? If a bunch of impressionable young people ever decided to crash here, I’d spend my off-hours turning them on to David Virtue, Stand Firm and minor, second-tier sites like the MCJ.
“Um, er, um, I think we…uh…have a wrong number, Mr. Johnson. We’re very sorry to have bothered you.
“Not a problem at all. Have a good one.”
1 comment:
Re Occupy & Trinity Church: You don’t need to be Christian, or even religious, to understand -and embrace- the idea that "Whatsoever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." But many of the 1%, in blind greed and endless schemes, have forgotten this. They have closed their eyes to what the word "society" should really mean, and what it can mean. But due to Occupy Wall Street, we are finally talking less about CUTS and more about BLEEDING. Instead of demanding m-o-r-e budget cuts -to be borne by the middle class and poor- we are FINALLY focusing on the shameful bleeding that the poor and middle class has endured, for all too long. Instead of talking about even m-o-r-e cuts in the taxes of millionaires....we are now talking about fairness and justice - about an economy and a political system that is increasingly run for the rich, and by the rich. Instead of talking about LESS government, we are talking about a government that WORKS FOR ALL OF US, not just a favored few. Thank you OWS, for reminding us that people -ordinary working people- really DO matter, and for helping open our eyes to what’s going on in this country, and why. The attempt by OWS to occupy Duarte Square (the empty lot owned by Trinity Church) is much more than a plea for sanctuary. For like Zuccotti Park, it’s an attempt to carve out a protected space, a living conscience for the city, amid the repression. A refuge...in a city where control-freaks would sweep us under the rug, and out of the way. In a city where they would pen us in, and try to permit us to death. In a city that tells us to “move on, move on”..... you don’t belong, you don’t count, you don’t have a right to be here...don’t assemble, don’t block the street, don’t trespass, don’t EXIST! They would deny us, deny our lives, deny our very futures. IF WE LET THEM. But OWS responds, both in word and in DEED: it says we’ve had ENOUGH - we BELONG, we STAND our ground, and we DO matter! This IS our land, and we want it BACK! The word OCCUPY...says it all! That’s why OWS has captured our imagination. That’s why a living breathing OCCUPIED public space is important for OWS. Like Lady Liberty’s never extinguished torch that burns in our harbor, OWS needs to have a concrete, persistent, in-your-face presence.. ..to continually remind us of what we’ve lost, of what we are, and what we can be; a protected place to affirm, illuminate, defy...and inspire. Trinity Church, with its oft-proclaimed ideals (and its huge land holdings), should look deep into its collective soul, do the right thing, and help OWS secure a sanctuary. Not merely a space of refuge, but an enclave of hope, of non-violent change, and compassion. And dare I say: a space of love - love of country, love of your fellow man and woman, love for the poor and oppressed. Can thoughtful Christians argue with these simple Christian / these simple HUMAN values? For if Christ were physically with us today, as He was 2000 years ago, He would be among the FIRST to climb those fences, and occupy Trinity’s Duarte Square. Of this I am certain. Let us hope and pray and plea...that Trinity Church -and others- hear the call, and respond. For the old ways are not working. Find a quiet place somewhere, and consider this: Each of us has only one brief life....one chance....one roll of the dice....and many choices. The time has come to choose....to risk...and to act. If not now...then when? If not you, then....who? You DO have the power my friend....and the choice IS yours. Don’t let your hopes and dreams die: LIVE YOUR IDEALS!
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